What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Maths meets science
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
everyone’s a critic
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day