You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.