I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
You sure about that?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*