WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
*Seductively hides in the woods
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets