Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
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Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Tier 3 meme
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise