You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
You Might Also Like
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
peep davidson
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet