This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
How your email finds me
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]