5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
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Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Hey I worked for it too!
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
cat vs inanimate object
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.