As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Mmmm canned fish.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Help Wanted
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.