Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Peter Parker Peter Driver
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.