I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
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“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.