[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her