The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
That’s classic.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives