I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.