*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
The Birdles
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.