WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)