[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
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why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’