There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
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Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”