I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing