If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.