I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
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ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.