I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Pizza is an emotion right?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
when you don’t want to be too vague