I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now