HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
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My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Ooops wrong house😂😜
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.