If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle