If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
You Might Also Like
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
The glory of fall.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!