I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Breaking news:
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.