[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
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Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
want me to check your oil?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog