Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
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*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.