Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
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WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
notice
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]