“what that mouth do?” complain
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A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.