Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
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Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”