Wait!! There’s a box??? ๐๐
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokรฉmon do exist.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didnโt know. How is this possible.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. Itโs finally my time to shineโฆ
Aw beans
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Today, I shall mostly be singing โBaby Sharkโ on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So whatโs my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
โThose arenโt the variants youโre looking forโ –
Obicron Kenobi
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My shower gel is ยฃ1 but my washing up liquid is ยฃ2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
โฆ
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys