“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Catercrombie & Fish
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier