Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.