Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Breakfast for Stoners:
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there