Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room