Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
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I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat