“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
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Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?