Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I love the honesty
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.