T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
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Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Welcome
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.