Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Mountain Goat : )
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.