I don’t make the rules sorry
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.