My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.