[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
You Might Also Like
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
reminder
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken