God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
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On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Lmaoo 😂
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.