My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Brands during Pride
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”