You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
You Might Also Like
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?