13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
You Might Also Like
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Golf would be better with landmines.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
They’re stuck in your pants?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket