A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Posting this on behalf of a friend
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa